You could be forgiven for thinking that from my first posting of my blog that I'm a shrinking wall flower, full of self doubt, but truth be told at 5'10" with hair the color of fire and the steeliest of blue eyes it's kind of hard at times not to stand out and trust me after the childhood I've had I love to be noticed occasionally, but hey who doesn't?!
So here I am sat in a coffee shop waiting on a friend to turn up, she's not late, I'm early as always, no tolerance for tardiness I'm afraid. As I sit here I find myself looking around and my vision falls upon an Army Major, at first he is afforded the quiet he is searching for, however his peace is quickly shattered as others come and chat about world politics and in-depth conversations ensue. He is not the only person in uniform, you see, I live in a military community and on a daily basis I come across the Marines, Air Force, Army and Coast Guard, along with DOD Civilians and Contractors, each one of them vying for attention and many of them filled with their own self importance, the majority however come across as the most unassuming down to earth people always ready to pass on a smile.
As I sit and watch those around me, unable to block out boastful rantings, I wonder to myself if I am one of only a handful of people that can't bear that kind of behavior and did my attitude come from a mother that never ever praised me or told others of my achievements. Today I hold graduate certificates in Alternative Dispute Resolution and various other certificates in legal studies, but the only people aware of my achievements are my husband and young son, my young son not understanding what it all means yet. I haven't told my mother of my studies, mainly because I don't want to deal with her total lack of interest, so I keep it to myself and carry on. Now here's the thing, if my mother had shown interest in me when I was younger, shown just once that I had actually done something good, would I have grown boastful and proud, like the loud man at the table next to me, or would I have shied away and kept my achievements to myself? To be honest I would hope that I would handle myself much better than this man, going on about how wonderful he is and that he is far superior to those around him, he has only reinforced the disdain I have for loud, attention seeking, bully boys/girls.
In the next couple of weeks I am sure I will return to the coffee shop, I will sit in a corner and people watch, I will wait for my husband or my friends and I am sure I will sit and watch, watching those men and women in uniform come in in the hope of a few minutes respite from their long days. I'll listen to the civilians and contractors complain about about job loss and budget cuts and I'll be thankful, thankful for all of these people helping to protect my and our country, thankful for my amazing veteran husband and a wonderful little boy that calls me Mommy.
No I am no shrinking violet and when I need confidence I have it, but for now sitting in the coffee shop I will observe and go mainly unnoticed, happy in my own little world. My friend and her son have just turned up and I can't wait to catch up on her news, she will PCS shortly and spending time with her now is a bonus.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
To say we forgive and forget, is sometimes the biggest lie of all.
A question for you, do you forgive and forget, or like in so many cases do you just say you do?
I spent my childhood and most of my teen years wondering what on earth I had done to my mother to make her hate me the way she had, I thought I must have let her down so badly or that I just wasn't good enough by her standards, truth of it is, she just didn't want me and no matter what I did it was never going to be good enough. I came to this stark realization through a family friend who had known me my whole life, luckily she, prior to her move overseas, had had the foresight to take me to one side and try to help me; she apologized in advance for what she was about to say, but being the person that she was she couldn't walk away seeing me the mess I was.
So here I am almost 24 years later and her words still sit in the back of my head, still play on repeat over and over, still make me shudder. She told me I wasn't a bad person and that the head games my mother had played over the years since my birth were horrendous, she said she wanted me to know that everything I had thought was truth was a lie and that it was time to set the story straight.
Let me explain, as a child I had felt such profound loneliness that at times I felt physically sick from it and at times I had considered suicide. Do you know what its like to go to the playground with your mother and friends and feel like you were the outsider, that you didn't belong? I still remember the feeling of walking up the steps to the playground and feeling so afraid and so sick, wondering if I would be allowed to have fun and if I would be allowed to talk to my mother, usually if she saw I was having too much fun she would shout at me and ridicule me in front of others, so much so that at 4 years old I was terrified of her.
My son recently asked me do I remember my first day of school, I told him no and that I barely remember anything from my early years, he was puzzled, but rather than go into it I changed the subject and moved on to happier stuff. I did wonder why I couldn't remember much about my childhood and then I realized it was best left where it was, I didn't want to feel that old familiar feeling of rejection and loneliness, but trust me when I say it does catch me unaware at times.
Yes, my neighbor told me that my mother had twisted my mind and played games with my head and heart, she told me my mother had never loved me from the start and she had made it abundantly clear to anyone and everyone, and that I'd been made feel like it was all my fault, she said she couldn't move away knowing that I was being played with and then she took me in her arms and held me for a long time and she just kept apologizing. Looking back I was so hurt by her words and glad of them at the same time, I wasn't some crazy person like my mother had made me out to be, I hadn't imagined that slights, the mental abuse, the silences, the shoutings at and most of all hadn't deserved the beatings I had gotten.
I've spent my life trying to forgive my Mother, trying to understand her behavior, trying to make excuses for her and hide the secrets; but truth be told, I don't care to be the excuse maker anymore and I'm not afraid to tell my story and if those around me and in my family can't handle the truth then may be its time to move on and set myself free.
So yes, as my opening line questions, do we ever really forgive and forget or is that just lip service for the benefit of others?
I'm just shy of 40 and still trying to come to terms with my childhood, if I'm honest I feel like I'm in a constant re-run of a bad movie, I try to forgive and forget but I just can't, I say I do, but I don't, let me explain.
I spent my childhood and most of my teen years wondering what on earth I had done to my mother to make her hate me the way she had, I thought I must have let her down so badly or that I just wasn't good enough by her standards, truth of it is, she just didn't want me and no matter what I did it was never going to be good enough. I came to this stark realization through a family friend who had known me my whole life, luckily she, prior to her move overseas, had had the foresight to take me to one side and try to help me; she apologized in advance for what she was about to say, but being the person that she was she couldn't walk away seeing me the mess I was.
So here I am almost 24 years later and her words still sit in the back of my head, still play on repeat over and over, still make me shudder. She told me I wasn't a bad person and that the head games my mother had played over the years since my birth were horrendous, she said she wanted me to know that everything I had thought was truth was a lie and that it was time to set the story straight.
Let me explain, as a child I had felt such profound loneliness that at times I felt physically sick from it and at times I had considered suicide. Do you know what its like to go to the playground with your mother and friends and feel like you were the outsider, that you didn't belong? I still remember the feeling of walking up the steps to the playground and feeling so afraid and so sick, wondering if I would be allowed to have fun and if I would be allowed to talk to my mother, usually if she saw I was having too much fun she would shout at me and ridicule me in front of others, so much so that at 4 years old I was terrified of her.
My son recently asked me do I remember my first day of school, I told him no and that I barely remember anything from my early years, he was puzzled, but rather than go into it I changed the subject and moved on to happier stuff. I did wonder why I couldn't remember much about my childhood and then I realized it was best left where it was, I didn't want to feel that old familiar feeling of rejection and loneliness, but trust me when I say it does catch me unaware at times.
Yes, my neighbor told me that my mother had twisted my mind and played games with my head and heart, she told me my mother had never loved me from the start and she had made it abundantly clear to anyone and everyone, and that I'd been made feel like it was all my fault, she said she couldn't move away knowing that I was being played with and then she took me in her arms and held me for a long time and she just kept apologizing. Looking back I was so hurt by her words and glad of them at the same time, I wasn't some crazy person like my mother had made me out to be, I hadn't imagined that slights, the mental abuse, the silences, the shoutings at and most of all hadn't deserved the beatings I had gotten.
I've spent my life trying to forgive my Mother, trying to understand her behavior, trying to make excuses for her and hide the secrets; but truth be told, I don't care to be the excuse maker anymore and I'm not afraid to tell my story and if those around me and in my family can't handle the truth then may be its time to move on and set myself free.
So yes, as my opening line questions, do we ever really forgive and forget or is that just lip service for the benefit of others?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)