The In-equality of child support orders.

What are your thoughts on child support? I have very firm ones that many women will not agree with, but ones that I stand by anyway and I'll explain why.

When my mother threw my dad out of our home she was told by her female friends to take him to the cleaners, to destroy him and make sure he couldn't afford to live, my mother being the vindictive person she was did everything in her power to do that. My mother earned more than my dad, yet she demanded that he pay more than half his wage out to her every month, she wanted even more than that, she wanted him to sign the house away to her, she wanted him to pay for all things related to school and after school activities and she wanted to make sure he couldn't move on with his own life. 

After she had taken everything she could financially she set about destroying the bond my dad had with my brother and I. She would make nasty comments about him, how he didn't have the money to rent a place to take us when it was our time to see him, how he wasn't paying his fair share, my brother and I took what she said as truth, we didn't know what she was doing to him, and us. 

Again and again my mother insisted on going back to court to demand more from my dad, it really wasn't enough for her that she had split up a family, destroyed relationships and left my dad homeless, no, she wanted blood.

Now I don't know about other countries, but in the US the more the non custodial earns the more they have to pay in child support and for each pay rise the non custodial gets the child support is increased, often leaving the non custodial with less money than what they had had prior to the pay increase. Don't get me wrong I believe that both parties should support the children of the relationship, but I don't agree with making the non custodial bankrupt at the behest of the custodial.

We live in a world of 'equality' or so we say, yet child support and custody is greatly stacked against the father and mothers are demanding more given to them all the time, surely though if we want true equality then that means we all work to support our children and that both parents pay an equal amount toward the upbringing of the children. 

My husband was ordered to pay 65% of his salary to his ex wife for child support, he was also instructed to pay for all transportation costs for getting the children to and from our house (17hr drive), he has to pay for medical and dental insurance, along with before/after school care, he was also ordered to pay his ex wife's legal fees. His ex wife wanted his GI Bill, for him to pay for university for the two children and kept pushing for more. My husband was left with nothing and had to return to live with his mother for a while. 

The attorney for the ex wife told her to quit her job and get a job working at the daycare the youngest child went to, where she would earn minimum wage and could then demand that she should only have to earn minimum wage because she was actively involved in the education of the children. So the ex wife quit her higher paying job and went to the day care, but then quit as soon as the child support was set and returned to the high paying job. My husband had had it written into the child support agreement that both he and his ex would furnish each other quarterly with their pay statements and that is where his ex wife came unstuck, she had quit her job at the daycare and was earning almost the same as my husband, she was still getting all the state benefits and not using the health insurance my husband had given her.

Over a year after the initial child support judgment was made my husband took his ex wife back to court to have it reduced, something she wasn't happy about, she stood in front of the judge and lied, I'm a document keeper and I record everything so had proof of the lies and my husband was able to present them to the court. The support was massively reduced and she stormed out of the court. My husband had been paying his ex wife $700 a month before any court order was set in place, after he had been served with papers demanding child support he spoke with an attorney who had said he had been paying too much, more than what the state guidelines were, to my husband that wasn't a big deal they were his children. Anyway, the court ordered my husband pay $1250 a month in support, which left him with $250 a month to live on, this was because of the lies the ex wife had told and had been supported by her attorney. After all the lies came out at the second child support hearing the child support was cut to $400 a month, my husband didn't think that was right and said he was willing to pay more, but the judge stuck to his guns and reduced it to $400 a month, ti could be reduced further because neither child is before/after school care now, but my husband refused to reduce it, which I say fair play to him for wanting to support his kids. My husband now hasn't seen his children in almost 5 years because his ex isn't happy that the court awarded her so little, I guess if she had accepted his offer of $700 none of this would have happened, instead she was lead by greed and ended up with nothing.

My husband had to pay arrears on child support that had been set when his ex wife lied, he ended up selling pretty much everything he had to keep his head above water, he got in so much debt just trying to pay his child support that it has taken him until now to pay it off, yes that's 6 years after the last child support case, to me that isn't fair.

So here are my questions. Why on earth do women think it is OK to demand so much from the father of their children, yet are so unwilling to provide financially for the children themselves, why do they seek to destroy the ex, even when they are the ones cheating and choosing to destroy the family? Why do we as a society insist on destroying fathers and allowing fathers to become bankrupt on the insistency of the mother? Why are we not seeing the equality we women demand and why are we turning the other cheek when we see mothers set on a path to decimate the father and ultimately the children? 

I know there are many wonderful women out there that would never in a million years think of doing this to their spouse/partner, who would do their very best to ensure the children had access to both parents equally, who would seek fairness when it came to child support should a split ever occur. We, yourself and I, are the women that need to ensure that this kind of attitude toward men stop, we need to raise our children knowing that both parents count and are not just a cash machine. Please help me in supporting equality for all in this giant child custody/support machine that is so diligent in its desire to remove a father from his children and to make him a cash cow for the rest of his life.

Isn't it time that custody and child support was split 50/50, that both parents pay the same amount toward the raising of the children and that children get equal time with both parents? 

Domestic Violence - do we turn the other cheek when women commit it?

Growing up in my mothers house was at times, most of the time actually, not pleasant, she had a terrible temper and even without the act of violence there was always a tense atmosphere. My poor dad would experience my mothers frequent verbal outbursts but never her physical ones, oh no she kept that for my brother and I.

I remember at about four years old my mother told my dad she was going to stab my brother, who was about five or six at the time, she held in her hand a huge kitchen knife and if my dad hadn't have stopped her who knows what would have happened. Shortly after that incident my dad had my mother admitted to a psychiatric unit for a rest, hoping that that would give her the help she needed, unfortunately it didn't and further mental and physical abuse entailed. We were told by friends and family that we needed to protect my mother, that she wasn't in her right mind and that she never meant what she did, that we should forgive her. What I want to know is why we should forgive her, why should she be protected, just because she is a woman doesn't mean she has a free pass to abuse others!

Throughout my life in my mothers home I was terrified of what she was going to do next, not just to my brother but to me, she wasn't stable, she had a volatile temper and it was like walking on eggshells around her.

My brother ended up locking himself away in his room every day after school wondering what she was going to do next, more often than not she would bound into his room shouting and screaming, slamming doors and telling him how useless he was and how he would end up like my dad, a man as she saw as the sh!t she had stepped in (my dad by the way is a good man and has been happily remarried now for many years).

When it wasn't my brother it was me, only she didn't just use words on me but she used her fists to punch me in the face and yank on my hair. She told me on many occasion that I wouldn't be good at this or that and that no one loved me, that I would never be the person she was. The physical abuse only ended when I was 27, my brother and I had been talking about dad and she had become enraged, she grabbed a handful of my hair and started punching me in the face, my brother had to pull her off, let me tell you that was the last time she ever laid hands on me. Since that moment I have kept my distance, I see her once a year at her birthday and silently thank God that she no longer remembers me, she has dementia and is in a home, I thank God that she can no longer hurt me.

I know many people will say that she is your mother and the only one you will ever have, that you should always love your mother and protect her, well in the same breath shouldn't she have been that way with us, shouldn't she have done everything she could to protect us? Why are we so scared of labeling women as abusers, why are we so scared to admit that women are as capable, if not more so, as men where physical and mental abuse is concerned? Why do we women and some men choose to brush it aside when women commit acts of violence? Not all women are the nurturing, loving and caring people we want them to be, all you have to do is look at the daily news now to see the aggression that some women display. 

My mother was a domestic violence offender, she was brutal, she was mean, but because she was a woman it was brushed under the carpet and never spoken about. We have created a society where women are seen as golden and men are seen as violent and abusive. When will we see equality in all aspects of the home and society. 

If you see or fear domestic violence is being committed shouldn't you do something about it no matter what gender the perpetrator?! I for one have no problem standing up for others be it man or woman. 

I have a friend who's wife punched him in the face, she was ordered to undergo counseling but no charges were ever brought because it might hurt her career, the husband had no say in the matter and to this day she is still abusive to him. My friends wife told me of the violence and she laughed about it, I told her exactly what I thought of her and that I think she should have been jailed for it.

My husbands ex wife was also a domestic violence offender, after one incident she threatened to call the police if he left the house, he told her to go ahead, she made the call but it was him that actually had the police come out. The police took him out of the house and went in to talk to her, never once talking to my husband and asking him what he wanted, he was covered in blood and battered and bruised, they left the house and nothing was ever done. If you think there are two sides to the story there are in fact three, one of them coming from an independent source saying that she has seen the abusive committed and that was the ex wife that had committed it. She finally left my husband and took their children to be with another man, the children have also been party to domestic violence and as my husband tried to protect his children by going to Child Protective Services he was warned if he made any more complaints he would be put in jail for harassment, wow I ask you, is that fair? The children young as they were, told their daddy that mommy and her boyfriends were hitting them with belts, pots and pans and even had bottle rockets thrown at them and that they were scared, the CPS workers refused to help protect the children because she was their mother and she knew best and that in their eyes hitting small children with belts was totally acceptable. 

I'm sorry but hitting a small child is never ok, hitting another person is never ok, yet mothers seem to get away with it all the time. We have become so gender biased in favor of women that we have lost touch with reality. Both sexes are capable of great atrocities, but only one of the sexes, men, is ever seen as capable. I can only hope that one day society wakes up and realizes that both men and women are equally responsible for their actions and should be prosecuted as such. 

Elephant in the room.......

You know when there is something needs talking about and its just left hanging there, no one utters a word for fear of starting an argument or upsetting someone, it just sits there silently screaming to be acknowledged, but no one dare. Well, my husband and I are having this issue at the moment and its tough. The elephant in our room is his beautiful, almost 11 year old daughter, who he hasn't seen properly in 5 years, she hasn't done anything wrong, but she has done something and its something we're worried about. 

There is a Facebook page that my husband set up for his two children in the hope that they would one day coming looking for him. He didn't think that they would come looking for him so soon, after all neither one of them are 13 yet, so really in our opinion, shouldn't have full unrestricted access to the internet or have a Facebook page; however, on Monday whilst getting ready to post on the page he got the shock of his life, his daughter had sent him a message. Her message basically said she missed her Daddy so much and that in her words "I saw your statuses and I really thought wrong of you.", she asked Daddy to keep it a secret she had been in touch with him, she didn't want anyone to know. Obviously my husband was shocked and excited all the same time, plus wary and skeptical due to the threats that had been made years before, threats about wanting to have contact with his children and if he carried on his ex wife was going to lie to the courts and have our son taken away. So there it is, his daughter had gone looking for him, on Mother's Day no less, and now he has to figure out what to do about it.

We talked about the message, the wording and the day she had actually sent it. The wording in some parts was not that of a 10 year old, but more a 10 year old being told what to say by an adult, strange and disturbing, is it my husbands ex wife playing games again after keeping the children away for 5 years? Another thing we thought was odd was that his daughter had chosen Mother's Day to go looking for him and send him a message; my husband was going to put a status message up saying how much he loved and missed them, how he hoped they were safe and well and thats when he found the message on Monday. So exactly what was it that had his daughter go in search of him?

Since the arrival of the message my husband has spoken via Facebook to his daughter twice, both were nervous and somewhat reserved, my husband for fear that this is a hoax by his ex wife and his daughter's nervousness may be for fear of being caught talking to her Daddy. Truth is, it's a tough situation for all involved, I want to encourage my husband to talk to his daughter and get to know her, but I don't want to push him, he wants to get to know his daughter but he is afraid of getting her in trouble and scaring her off, so instead we talk about it and right now our home is one of tension and anxiety.

My husband is so desperate to re-connect with his kids, to be a part of their life, but his ex wife has made many threats and quite honestly she took two of his children away and has said if she doesn't get her way she will make sure he has another child taken away, so he's in a situation where he has to tread carefully and sneak around. Personally I'm not one for lies and secrets, I can't handle being in that kind of situation, I get nervous and fidgety,  it's just not something I deal with well and I also see it getting to my husband as well. 

Wow I'm rambling, may be because there is so much nervous tension in the air, the excitement of the unknown and trying to figure out what to say and do, I just don't know, but the air is thick with it. I feel for my husband, it is hard for him not knowing how the kids are, where they are or having any contact with them, but now he has all these thoughts running wild in his head, he still doesn't know where they are, but he does know that his daughter appears happy, which is a huge relief for him. 

So what now, where do we go from here, are all our conversations going to be about his children, they were always a part of our day to day chatter anyway, but now that appears to be the main focus and I see it tearing my husband up, he is lost and confused, afraid that if he tries too hard to get to know his daughter she will run away. 

My husband is a strong man, he has served his country well and he is not a quitter. His ex wife left him for another man she had had living in their home whilst my husband was on his first tour of duty in Iraq in 2004. My husband went to court and was given visitation but his ex wife did everything she could to block him from having contact with the children, so for 5 years he has had no contact and now out of no where his world is crazy and upended and he just doesn't know what to think and do.

I will support my husband no matter what with regards his children, I know he is finding it difficult because today he asked me if that was going to be all we talked about now and I said not if he didn't want that, but then he said well if we don't it will be left hanging in the air and he said that was worse than talking about it. Only time will tell how things progress, for now though we will weather this merry-go-round of emotions together, we will laugh and cry about the good times we had with his children and we will stay hopeful that one day the bonds can be rebuilt and he can be re-united with his children, then my husband will once again be the Daddy he wants to be to his children.

My son - the young perfectionist.

I have a son who is nearing the end of Kindergarten, he is a lovely little boy, smiles a lot, laughs a lot, but gets so easily frustrated when he doesn't get things perfect. Now, do not get me wrong, I find there is nothing wrong with a child that wants to make sure his school work is completed correctly, on time and to the best of his ability, but when that includes coming to an almost complete melt down because he hasn't reached the level of perfectionism he has set himself it makes me worry and I find myself wondering if I have put too much pressure on him?

As a child neither of my parents paid any attention to my education, my dad wasn't allowed to because my mother wouldn't allow it and my mother didn't pay attention because she had absolutely no time for me, but that's another story; so I wonder if am I to blame for my son pushing himself so hard? Every day my son and I read a book, or should I say I have him read a book to me, we learn new words and what they mean, I have him practice his handwriting and we work hard at his math skills, this is all on top of what he is expected to do at school; yes it may seem too much, but his school reports show that he is excelling in all areas and by Christmas he had already mastered the list of words he must know to graduate kindergarten. 

Neither my husband nor myself were able to attend University prior to taking up employment, instead my husband joined the military, earned a BS in the IT field, graduating Magna Cum Laude, he just missed Suma Cum Laude by two points and he did all this whilst being in a war zone. I now hold Graduate Certificates with an average of 3.98 GPA, so you can see neither of us are lazy when it comes to academics, but we do want better for our son. We want him to have the opportunity to go to University first, to get a Masters or a Doctorate, we want him to do it the right way and not have to work two jobs, not have to go to work and school full time at the same time, we want him to know that by working hard in school he will set himself up for a good life, gaining scholarships to university if needs be. 

Our son will never be athletic, not because he isn't a team player or is lazy but because of issues at birth that will restrict him from many high school sports, so instead he is going to have to rely heavily on his academics and volunteer work to gain those scholarships; we've also told him if he gets straight A's in University we will pay for his classes, hopefully as he grows older he will understand the opportunities we are trying to provide him and he will work hard and go far.

As I write this I can see that there is a great deal of pressure put on our son's shoulders and I feel guilty, but then I think of the future he could have that we never had and somehow that guilt falls away. 

Please don't think our son isn't rewarded for his hard work, he is and the rewards that he receives are of his choosing, like going to a museum, going on adventure hunts (geo-caching, look it up) and on the odd occasion he has even requested television time. We spend a lot of time outdoors, exploring the countryside and it inhabitants, we learn about the environment and what we can do to protect it, we are teaching him to be a good citizen, help when he can, take care of his surroundings and the things in it. Ours is a family life, filled with love and hugs, laughter and fun, we do family hugs before school and bed, we play and work hard as a family.